The Problem with #Perfection

Are you a #perfectionist? 

Let’s find out if perfectionism is an issue for you. Here are a few statements for you to consider (retrieved September 19, 2012 from the Centre for Clinical Interventions):

	True	Somewhat True	Somewhat False	False
Nothing good comes from making mistakes
I must do things right the first time
I must do everything well, not just the things I know I’m good at
If I can’t do something perfectly then there is no point even trying
I rarely give myself credit when I do well because there’s always something more I could do
Sometimes I am so concerned about getting one task done perfectly that I don’t have time to complete the rest of my work.

If you have answered most of the above questions with True or Somewhat True, then perfectionism might be something you want to work on.

The problem with striving for perfection is we end up never feeling good enough. As a result, we miss out on enjoying life because our focus is on getting things done or trying to look like we’ve got it together. Dr. Scott Barfoot of Dallas Theological Seminary points out, “Perfectionism is the mental habit of formulating ideal standards that we demand ourselves to meet in order to prove to ourselves, to others, and to God our worth.” Unfortunately, it all boils down to our own self-worth. Perfectionist thinking says, “If I’m perfect then I am worth loving.” Peel back the layers, we find shame. “If you saw me for who I really am then you wouldn’t love me.” So, we work harder and try to perfect ourselves. Dr. Barfoot explains, “Perfectionism is at the root of a works-based faith.”  We were created for love and belonging. But the more we perfect the more we miss out on connecting and loving one another.

Watch this 5 minute video of Brené Brown talking about perfection.

Is this hitting home for you?  The Centre for Clinical Interventions has a great 9 module self-help series called Perfectionism in Perspective.  If you struggle with perfectionism, I encourage you to work through the series. 

The Pursuit of Self-Esteem

Pursuit of Self-esteem
Crocker and Park (2004) caution that pursuing self-esteem has a cost. The pursuit of self-esteem usually only has a short-lived emotional benefit. But, when the person fails, the cost is big (Crocker & Park, 2004). Crocker and Knight (2005) further explain that high self-esteem is not the answer, either. They suggest the “importance of self-esteem lies less in whether it is high or low, and more in what people believe they need to be or do to have value and worth as a person— what we call contingencies of self-worth” (Crocker & Knight, 2005, p. 200).

Causes of Low Self-esteem

Although research has looked at social economic status, race, gender, and ethnicity as causes of low self-esteem, the most important influence is how you were raised by your parents (Emler, 2001). Emler (2001) admits social economic status, race, gender, and ethnicity play a part, but it is a modest one. Parenting style is key. Abuse, whether it be physical or sexual, is the worst thing parents can do to harm positive self-esteem (Emler, 2001). Quarreling families are another source. Genetics also play are part in self-esteem. Caring and loving relationships as an adult can affect self-esteem, but Emler (2001) explains forming successful relationships like these are more likely when a person already has higher self-esteem.

Biblical View of Self-esteem

Self-esteem in Christian circles is a controversial subject. Opponents of self-esteem teaching state, scripture is twisted and distorted to support a biblical view of self-esteem (i.e. Adams, 1986). On the other side are proponents who say, “God wants us to have good self-esteem so we can do his work” (Schuller, 1982). These are two sides of the conundrum. The problem with the first debate is it doesn’t consider that a person who has been abused (which is one of the possible causes of low self-esteem) has a distorted view of him or herself. On the other hand, the latter view doesn’t recognize that God usually uses the weak to show His glory (2 Corinthians 12:10 and 1 Corinthians 1:27). Here are examples of weak people God used in the Bible, Gideon, Peter, David, and Abraham. So, what is a more balanced perspective? We do have value; we are called his children. 1 John 3:1 says, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are” (NIV)! Ask any loving parent if his or her children are of value and I would predict a hardy, “Yes!” Jesus also told us in Matthew 6:26 “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (NIV). Our worth, therefore, is accepting our dependence on God. We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13).

Adams, J. (1986). The biblical view of self-esteem, self-love, self-image. Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers.

Crocker, J. & Knight, K. M. (2005). Contingencies of self-worth. Current directions in psychological science, 14(4), 200-203.

Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological bulletin, 130(3), 392-414.

Emler, N. (2001, November). The costs and causes of low self-esteem. Joseph Rowntree Foundation. Retrieved June 27, 2010 from http://www.jrf.org.uk/sites/files/jrf/n71.pdf

Schuller, R. H. (1984). Self-esteem: The new reformation. Waco, TX: World Books.

Are you a perfectionist? Don't answer too quickly...

Have you ever thought of yourself as a perfectionist? According Paul Hewitt, a Psychologist from Vancouver, BC, there are three kinds of perfectionists (CNN, 2000):

·      Self-oriented perfectionists, who believe they must be perfect.

·      Other-oriented perfectionists, who want others to be flawless.

·      Socially prescribed perfectionists, who feel they must be perfect because someone might be watching.

Hewitt and Flett (1993) explain that self-oriented “perfectionists tend to equate self-worth with performance, any interruptions in meeting the standards may be interpreted as a failure with implications for the self-concept” (p. 62).

From my experience, since many people equate worth with performance they tell themselves one of two things: “I must perform to a certain standard to have worth and value” or “I must be liked and have approval to have self worth.” So, as a result, the perfectionist keeps on working and meeting everyone else’s needs until he or she is bitter and resentful or just burned out and tired. “The emotional distress that is experienced by the perfectionist may be magnified by distorted thinking, ruminations with perfectionist themes, and active processing of information about the ideal self” (Hewitt & Flett, 1993, p. 62).

To “recover” from perfectionism, first you need to recognize there is a problem! I know it sounds like a 12 step-program…but seriously, many people don’t think their perfectionist ways are a problem or they don’t think they are perfectionists. So, let me stop and give you a list of some “symptoms”:

·      thinks it is all or nothing (I’m all in or won’t even try if I can’t do it right)

·      sets unrealistic goals

·      breaks promises

·      forgets about past success

·      lives by “I should or must”

·      worries about losing control

Do you identify with any of these symptoms?

If you said yes to any of these, keep reading…

Now, that you are ready to say, “Hi! My name is_______and I’m a perfectionist” we can move on to the next step, which is acknowledging the cause. Usually there are one of two roots, a fear of failure or a fear of rejection. To try to reduce the fear, there is desire to stay in control. The problem is that the more you try to control the more tied up you get. Instead, you need to develop an accurate picture of God’s love and acceptance of yourself and develop a relationship with him. Romans 5:1 & 2 says, since by faith we’ve been made right in God’s eyes, we should have peace with God because of Christ’s work on the cross. Our faith in Christ has brought us into a place where we can stand confidently and look forward joyfully to sharing God’s glory. We should now find our self worth in a quiet acceptance of ourselves in Christ. Acts 17:25 says, Christ gives life and breath to everything, and He will satisfy all of our needs.

So, now that you know the cause, take the next step and challenge those beliefs! Once you are able to recognize your perfectionist thoughts, you can move to refusing them. When you hear yourself start to say, “I should…” say “NO! Stop it!” ( Click here to learn more about stopping) Then, take a deep breath, relax, and start telling yourself the truth. Look at the chart below. It gives you a great example of pursuing excellence vs. perfectionism. You can use the excellence side as the truth you want to live by! 

CNN. (2000). What price perfection? Study aims to find out. Retrieved July 1, 2010 from http://www.cnn.com/TECH/science/9901/21/t_t/perfectionists/.

Hewitt, P. L. & Flett, G. L. (1993). Dimensions of perfectionism, daily stress, and depression: A test of the specific vulnerability hypothesis. Journal of abnormal psychology, 102(1), 58-65.

The faces of low self-esteem

I was going over the lecture on self-esteem in my counseling women class today (reviewing for an exam). These "three faces of low self-esteem" stood out for me. I hate to admit it but I have struggled with number one. Do you struggle with any of them? Read on...

"According to the University of Texas, there seem to be three “faces of low self-esteem”. These include first, the imposter. The Imposter acts happy and successful, but is really terrified of failure. She lives with the constant fear that she will be "found out" and needs continuous successes to maintain the mask of positive self-esteem. This leads to problems with perfectionism, procrastination, competition, and burn-out.

The Rebel acts like the opinions or good will of others (especially people who are important or powerful) don't matter. She lives with constant anger about not feeling "good enough" and continuously needs to prove that others' judgments and criticisms don't hurt. This leads to problems like blaming others excessively, breaking rules or laws, or fighting authority.

The loser acts helpless and unable to cope with the world and waits for someone to come to the rescue. She uses self-pity or indifference as a shield against fear of taking responsibility for changing her life and looks constantly to others for guidance. This leads to such problems as lack of assertiveness skills, under-achievement, and excessive reliance on others in relationships."

Thankfully our worth comes from God. Psalm 139:16-18 (the Message) says:

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother's womb.

I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I'd even lived one day.

Taking Care of Yourself: Part 2

Here's the other trap: fear of rejection. For those in this trap, it may be hard to say "no." Overwhelmed by what is already bulging out of our day planners, we still find ourselves saying, "yes" to one more person. We may think, "How could I say no? They really need my help." On the other hand, others in this trap find themselves rejecting people. "If I reject you first, then I can't be hurt." Both types of people are driven by a desire to be accepted. Their acceptance of me means I have self-worth.

Just like the fear of failure, through Christ there is a freedom from this trap. In this case, through our acceptance of Christ, God has accepted us, just as we are. We are now free from accusation. Colossians 1:22 tells us through Christ's death on the cross, He settled the debt we owed for our sin. As a result, He has brought us into a His own presence, and we are holy and blameless as we stand before him without a single fault. The good news is that we don't have to keep striving to be accepted by other because the creator of the universe already accepts us. What more do we want or need?

Some of you may already know this information. You've known that Christ is more than enough. You already know that Acts 17:25 says, Christ gives life and breath to everything, and He will satisfy all of our needs. Yet, everyday we seem to fall right back into that burdensome trap. It's not about faith for you; it's about making a lifestyle change. For others, this is new information; it may take time for it to sink in. Whether this is new or something you have already known, today can be a new day for you. All you have to do is take the first step. James 1:22 tells us, "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." In Part 3, in 4 steps I'll tell you to make the changes.