Addictions----Do you have one?

I'm baaaaack! Plus, I survived 3 months in rehab! Truth be told--I wasn't actually in rehab myself, I just worked for a dual-diagnosis substance abuse hospital. Whew, what a trip! I learned so much about addictions while I was there. Unfortunately, I couldn't handle the hours. I am not made to work 10-12 hours a day and still be a good therapist for my patients. By the end, I was *fried. Which, is a good segue into what I was going to write about today-addiction. 

Last January, I was reading the daily devotional from Lighthouse Network, Stepping Stones. That days topic was on addiction objects. The writer gave a biblical definition for an addiction. He states, "if it is something that comforts you or relieves some negative feeling, it can be an addiction object. People can find themselves obsessively and compulsively hooked on almost anything." The group I was leading discussed the devotion in depth and it personally gave me a new way of looking at addictions. The devotion challenged me further when the writer states, "When you are uneasy, lonely, stressed, etc, what do you go to first? Bingo! You found your addiction object. Next time, try to look to God first and see what He will prescribe for your pain." For the last couple weeks while I was working 55-60 hours a week, I was becoming more and more stressed. Next thing I know I'm "comfort eating." This is just what caused me to gain 30 pounds 12 years ago. As I started examining my behavior, I realized I did just what most addicts do before they relapse....I planned it in my head first! See, I told myself, "You can eat this "stuff" for now and later you can quit." (That "stuff" was anything *fried or sweet). What a lie! What also hit me was I was going to food instead of God for comfort. Fortunately, I only gained 4 pounds this time but I then again, I missed an opportunity to let God be my comfort. I decided that I am going to submit "my addiction" to God again by doing a modified fast. (See "Fasting for Spiritual Breakthrough: A Guide to Nine Biblical Fasts" or "Fasting" for more information on how to fast).  

What about you? What do you struggle with...what are you going to for comfort? Remember the words of Jesus to us in Matthew 11:28, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest (NLT)." However, maybe your addiction is with drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography etc. Maybe you are at the point where you realize your life has become unmanageable and you are powerless to change. If that is you...there is hope and help.

Here are some resources for you to look into:

Lighthouse Network: http://www.lighthousenetwork.org/content/

Teen Challenge: http://teenchallengeusa.com/

Fresh Grounded Faith Conference

Well, I attended the Fresh Grounded Faith Conference yesterday and this morning. It was an encouraging time with other women. The speaker, Jennifer Rothchild is a sweet, sensitive and down-to-earth speaker. An added treat was getting to hear Kathy Triccoli. If you were listening to contemporary Christian music in the 80's you definitely remember her. Fortunately, she isn't stuck in the 80's but shares her story with wit and spunk that only an Italian American woman from Long Island can get a way with at a Christian conference. I'm telling you, if you have not heard her sing and speak...you are missing out. I wanted to go and have coffee with her and get to know her more. The last woman in the trio was Abby Rike. You may know her from The Biggest Loser. I don't watch The Biggest Loser, but found her testimony encouraging. All three women were intelligent and seemed real. Jennifer states that "The ultimate goal of Fresh Grounded Faith is to bring a unifying event to your area that will empower women to live a tenacious faith in Christ." If the conference comes to a city in your area, I encourage you to invite some girlfriends and go. You can find the dates and locations by clicking here.

Here's a video about the Fresh Grounded Faith Conferences:

In addition, Jennifer has written some interesting looking books (I haven't read them yet).  One study that looks particularly interesting is Me, Myself and Lies. I am looking forward to picking up this book and possibly doing the study with a group of ladies. Check out the video promo for the book:

Our web page is finally up!

Hey all!  I finally got our webpage up and going for Hope and a Future Ministries.  Unfortunately, I found a couple typos and forgot to put a link to the blog on it.  I'll be making those updates this afternoon.  In the meantime, go check it out anyway.  Give me some feedback and let me know what you think.

Go to http://www.afutureforyou.org

http://www.afutureforyou.org

Checking into your sadness...

I was reading an article this morning on the Real Age website about feeling sad but not knowing why. Real Age (2010) explain "Feel sad sometimes but don't know exactly why? Tempted to just brush past it? Well, don't. Understanding the source of your sadness can be key to moving on." The article recommended doing some journaling to help sort out the feelings.  Below is a good visual journal exercise to help process what's going on.  To read the rest of the article from Real Age click here. 

When life is hard, sometimes finding words is hard. This visual journal idea provides an outlet when words are hard to find.

1. You will need a pile of old magazines.
2. You may find it helpful to use an art notebook for its sturdy paper and for keeping your journal in order, but any blank page will serve well as your background.
3. Choose one of the following prompts for your page: "I feel . . .," "I need . . .,"  "I desire . . .," or "I wish I could say . . ."
4. Look through magazines for pictures (or parts of pictures), colors, and words that express your emotions or desires.
5. Feel free to cut or tear the images, etc. as feels right for your state of being. This is about your need to express your internal state, no one will see it.
6. You may glue images, words down as you go or collect all the pieces that feel right for this session and then start gluing.
7. Again this is not about artistic skill, organize the pieces in a way that works for you and your journey.
8. Place the date on the back or some place on the page.
9. You may find it helpful to do this exercise on some kind of regular basis. If it is something you find that you can do quickly, a daily page may be very helpful. If you are someone who takes more time, processing images, words and their organization, you may find a weekly schedule helpful.
10. Store your pages together. Someday you will want to look back over your pages. If you keep them in order or have them dated, you will notice differences in your pages as you progress through your journey.

Love Happily Ever After?

Today, it is hard to believe in happy-endings, especially when 50% of first time marriages end in divorce in the United States. Many of us go into marriage with a “Hollywoodified” idea of what it should be like. Others say, “All I know is I don’t want to end up like my parents.” There is hope. A happy ending is possible.

Dr. Robert Epstein, a researcher from California, recently reported some interesting findings in the January/February 2010 issue of Scientific American. He found that through certain techniques, like “soul-gazing” or “love aura,” people could grow their love for one another. He explains, “Americans want it all-the freedom to choose a partner and the deep, lasting love of fantasies and fairy tales. We can achieve that kind of love by learning about and practicing techniques that build love over time.” What are these techniques?

There are eight fun techniques to try with your mate. You can read more by going to Dr. Epstein’s site: http://drrobertepstein.com/

1. Two as one: Softly, hold your partner close. Notice the other person’s breathing and slowly begin to breath with him or her.

2. Soul Gazing: Stand or sit around two feet away from your partner. For around two minutes, gaze deep into the other person’s eyes as if you are looking into his or her core. Next, talk to your partner and take turns telling what you saw.

3. Monkey love: Stand or sit close your partner. Move your hands, arms, and legs anyway but it has to match what your partner is doing. Although it might be challenging, at the end you will feel linked with your partner.

4. Falling in Love: This is a trust exercise, one of many that increase mutual feelings of vulnerability. From a standing position, simply let yourself fall backward into the arms of your partner. Then trade places. Repeat several times

and then talk about your feelings. Strangers who do this exercise sometimes feel connected to each other for years.

5 Secret Swap: Write down a deep secret and have your partner do the same. Then trade papers and talk about what you read. You can continue this process until you have run out of secrets. Better yet, save some of your secrets for another day.

6 Mind-Reading: Game Write down a thought that you want to convey to your partner. Then spend a few minutes wordlessly trying to broadcast that thought to him or her, as he or she tries to guess what it is. If he or she cannot guess, reveal what you were thinking. Then switch roles.

7 Let Me Inside: Stand about four feet away from each other and focus on each other. Every 10 seconds or so move a bit closer until, after several shifts, you are well inside each other’s personal space (the boundary is about 18 inches). Get as close as you can without touching. (My students tell me this exercise often ends with kissing.)

8 Love Aura: Place the palm of your hand as close as possible to your partner’s palm without actually touching. Do this for several minutes, during which you will feel not only heat but also, sometimes, eerie kinds of sparks

Just another manic Monday...

Yes, I realize it's Tuesday. Monday was manic and well, I did not get my "Marriage Monday" post, posted. So, although it's Tuesday, I'm still going to post what I planned to post on Monday. Does that make sense? Well, if it doesn't stay with me, 'cause the rest of this post will make sense.

As I told you last Monday, I am not going to share with you a couple until next Monday (May 17th). Instead, I was going to share an exercise you could do with your spouse. Do you remember me telling you about my mom's landlord who adored his wife? Well, then you might remember that he said the key to his happy marriage was communication. I don't know about you, but I have heard that a lot. But what does that mean and how do you improve communication with your spouse? This exercise is designed to just do that- strengthen (or improve) communication.

First things first: You must understand the objective of this exercise. That is to change the patterns of communication so you can better show your love to your spouse.

Miracle Script

Each person needs to write a script on how your marriage would function if a miracle happened and your communication with your spouse was perfect. Think of it this way, you wake up one morning and Viola! a miracle just happened and you and your spouse have perfect communication. Now, really think about the specifics for what you would say and what your spouse would say. (I didn't say you wouldn't have to think!). One caution- DON'T focus on how the other person would NOT communicate, i.e. you would not yell at me. Instead, say, "you would talk in a normal voice."

After you both have written your scripts, find a quiet place to sit down with your spouse. Sit close but still able to see eye to eye. Then take turns reading your scripts to each other. After the one person has read the script, explain why this is perfect communication to you. Remember stay away from the negatives such as, "you make me feel bad when you talk to me sometimes" or "you don't listen.” Instead say, "I feel good when you say encouraging words to me like, 'yes, uh, huh, or I understand'. It lets me know you are listening.” Then let the other person share. After both of you have finished reading your scripts, tell each other what you heard the other person say. Check in and make sure you got it right by saying, "Did I get that right that you like it when I say, 'yes, I understand' when we are talking?” Don't leave until you both get it right. When you're done, make a commitment to one another that you will work on incorporating at least one thing from the miracle script in your communication with one another.

Happy Conversing!

Adapted from Worthington, E. L. Jr. (2005). Hope focused marriage counseling: A guide to brief therapy. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.

Verse of the week

Our women's group at church is focusing on scripture memory for the year. Our pastor's wife, Sherree, has called it "Live it 52." I am finding that every verse, I mean EVERY verse, has been meaningful and perfect for the week. I don't know how she picked 'em, but she did a great job. I guess the lesson is that "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work (2 Timothy 3:16 & 17, NIV).

Well, this week's verse is Psalm 32:8:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you" (NIV).

Again, this verse is just the encouragement I've needed this week. This is my last week of work and although, I believe I'm doing the right thing (stepping away). It's a little scary. Did I tell you that the job is now full time with benefits? Yes, full medical, dental and vision. Oh, and it pays about what I made at my old job plus room for a few raises (not boasting, but I did pretty well at my last job). Yet, I did not quit my old job to work as a program coordinator. I left to follow God's calling to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. So, that is what I am doing.

God WILL watch over me. He WILL counsel me. He WILL teach me the way I should go. Thank you, God for this opportunity to step out in faith and serve you. You are my comfort and source of strength.

It's either this or that way

I'm in grad school. I'll be finishing as soon as I complete all my internship hours. Recently, I took a big leap of faith and resigned my position working for the Baker County School District so I could focus on my internship at First Baptist Church Jax FBCJAX This leap was fraught with a complexity of emotions. I was listening to Enya's "Anywhere Is" and I could identify with the lyrics.

I took the turn and turned to
Begin a new beginning
Still looking for the answer
I cannot find the finish
It's either this or that way
It's one way or the other
It should be one direction
It could be on reflection
The turn I have just taken
The turn that I was making
I might be just beginning
I might be near the end.

Can you relate?

Well, this week I've been buoyed by some great verses:
Proverbs 16:3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed (NIV).
Psalm 25:4-5 Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.

May God give you encouragement, too, as you face the many turns that take you "either this or that way."

Four Steps for Making a Change

If you have been reading my blog, you know I have been talking about taking care of yourself by first changing what you believe about yourself. Making changes starts with addressing your core beliefs and thoughts. If you make those changes then you are more likely to be successful in making outward changes. Once you've mastered changing your beliefs about yourself, follow these four steps to start taking care of yourself.

First step: assess your goal. What do you need to change? Exercising? Eating right? Spending time in daily devotions? For one of my friends, she rarely shops for herself. Everyone in her family will get new clothes, but her. Her goal may be to take time to shop for herself. Can you relate? Take a moment and prayerfully think about what it is you need to do to take care of yourself. Next, take a piece of paper (or in your journal) and write your goal as if you’ve already done it. For example, “I spend 20 minutes every morning reading the Bible.” Or “I shop for clothes for myself before everything is worn out.”

Second step: stop sabotaging yourself! Just realize it is a natural part of the change process. Instead of denying it will happen, take a serious look at how it might happen. For instance, let’s say you’re trying to change your eating habits. Cookies are your temptation. If you were to look through your cabinets right now, would you find cookies? You might say to yourself, “They’re for the kids.” Yes, but how many have you eaten out of the package? Ok, cookies may not be your weakness, but I’m sure you get the point. Take a moment to think about ways you sabotage yourself. Is it your environment? Your thought life? Your habits? Or maybe your relationships? Most likely, you will sabotage yourself in a combination of ways. On a separate piece of paper (or again in your journal), write down your thoughts.

Step three: add structure. What do I mean by structure? Think of it as scaffolding to support your goals. Go back to your list of ways you might sabotage yourself and assess each area. As you go through each area, think of a way that you can support yourself. For example, if cookies are your weakness, when you go to the grocery store, don’t buy cookies. Or at least don’t buy the kind of cookies you like. I’ll admit it, “I love cookies.” Growing up, my mom would hide a package of cookies, but somehow I could still find them. It was like a sixth sense for me. With my own son, I learned that I couldn’t keep cookies around the house or I would eat them until they were GONE. My solution was I would buy snacks that he liked but I didn’t. Other examples may be to post notes for yourself, find inspirational quotes or pictures or track your progress on a chart. Some women find journaling a great way to add structure. Whatever you decide, it needs to be something that is natural for you. Particularly, remember to plan ahead and schedule time for your self-care goal everyday. Protect your goal as if it is the most important thing in the world, because in God’s eyes you are important.

Fourth step: be accountable. Ecclesiastes 4:9 & 10 tells us two people are better off than one, because they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can support and help. The person who falls alone is in real big trouble. Accountability helps ensure success. Find a friend that you trust. Ask her if she will be your accountability partner. Then tell her exactly what would help you stay accountable. It might be that you need someone to email you once a week to remind you of your goal. Again, this has to be something that feels natural for you. If you don’t read your email regularly, then an email once a week would be worthless. There are other ways to find people to be accountable. You can join a support group such as Weight Watchers or Workaholics Anonymous. Whatever you decide make it an important part of your life. Schedule a permanent time in your daily or weekly routine for accountability. If you don’t schedule the time, other obligations will creep in and you will be right back in the same trap. Remember what Proverbs 15:22 says our plans will fail without sufficient advice, the more people supporting us the greater our success.

An important thing to note is how our changes will affect those around us. Sitting down and having a conversation with our loved ones, boss or friends will be in order. Maybe your goal is to leave the office at 6:00 PM every night instead of 9:00 PM. Your boss may take notice. Make an appointment with your boss and explain that you are making changes in your life to take better care of yourself. Or if you stop buying double stuffed chocolate cookies, tell your family why. In most cases, people just want to know. If you tell them, they will probably be supportive. However, if they are not, remember God’s plan for your life. Our lives are the primary testimony to our children, spouse and others. What are you saying to them?

Taking Care of Yourself: Part 2

Here's the other trap: fear of rejection. For those in this trap, it may be hard to say "no." Overwhelmed by what is already bulging out of our day planners, we still find ourselves saying, "yes" to one more person. We may think, "How could I say no? They really need my help." On the other hand, others in this trap find themselves rejecting people. "If I reject you first, then I can't be hurt." Both types of people are driven by a desire to be accepted. Their acceptance of me means I have self-worth.

Just like the fear of failure, through Christ there is a freedom from this trap. In this case, through our acceptance of Christ, God has accepted us, just as we are. We are now free from accusation. Colossians 1:22 tells us through Christ's death on the cross, He settled the debt we owed for our sin. As a result, He has brought us into a His own presence, and we are holy and blameless as we stand before him without a single fault. The good news is that we don't have to keep striving to be accepted by other because the creator of the universe already accepts us. What more do we want or need?

Some of you may already know this information. You've known that Christ is more than enough. You already know that Acts 17:25 says, Christ gives life and breath to everything, and He will satisfy all of our needs. Yet, everyday we seem to fall right back into that burdensome trap. It's not about faith for you; it's about making a lifestyle change. For others, this is new information; it may take time for it to sink in. Whether this is new or something you have already known, today can be a new day for you. All you have to do is take the first step. James 1:22 tells us, "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." In Part 3, in 4 steps I'll tell you to make the changes.

Take Care of Yourself Part 1

Time. Whom do you give it to? At the end of the day, is there any left for you?

It didn't surprise me when I read that over 70% of women with children under 18 years of age are working or looking for work.  Most of my friends are busy, even those who are not working outside the home.  What drives us to keep pushing ourselves until we're on empty?  It feels like we are trapped on a hamster wheel with no way off.  Thankfully, in Christ there is freedom.  Yet, we can't live by faith alone.  It takes work to change.  

From my experience, many of us get into a performance trap that says, "I must perform to a certain standard to have worth and value."  If that trap doesn't get us, then it's this one:  "I must be liked and have approval to have self worth."  So, we keep on working and meeting everyone else's needs until at the end of the day there is no time left for ourselves.  Does either sound familiar to you?

Let's look at the first trap: the fear of failure.  It comes out in different ways for many of us.  One person relentlessly works at something until it is perfect.  Others are frozen, thinking, "If I never try, I can't fail."  We get encouraged to stay in this cycle when we receive recognition for a job well done.  It feels good to our self-esteem.  Then when the recognition doesn't come or even worse when our work is criticized we either push ourselves harder or quit.  This is because our performance is enmeshed with our self-worth.  

Do you know that you became pleasing to God the moment you were saved?  (Or can be by accepting Jesus Christ as your Savior).  Romans 5:1 & 2 says, since by faith we've been made right in God's eyes, we should have peace with God because of Christ's work on the cross.  Our faith in Christ has brought us into a place where we can stand confidently and look forward joyfully to sharing God's glory.  We should now find our self-worth in a quiet acceptance of ourselves in Christ.  We no longer need to try to be perfect!