Goals of Misbehavior with your Kids

If you are married, have you ever said to your spouse, "You need to deal with your child" OR "Look, what your child just did." Isn't funny how we never want to take ownership of our children when they are misbehaving.  Whose ever child it is, there is usually a reason behind the misbehaving. As adults, we often think our kids are just small people. We forget that developmentally they can't reason or think things through like an adult (come to think of it, I know some adults who can't reason, either). Most of the time, your child can't even put to words how to express what is going on.  How many times have you heard your child say, "I don't know."  Believe it or not, sometimes they really "don't know"!  To explain what is going on better, let me introduce you to one of my favorite Psychologists, Rudolph Dreikurs. (Here is a book he wrote- click here).


Dreikurs was an American Psychologist who took another Psychologist's theories (Alfred Adler) and made them practical for everyday folks like us.  Dreikurs thoughts children, have an inborn desire to belong and feel like they are a part of a group.  Unfortunately, due to feeling bad about themselves and poor parenting, these children have taken on ways to fit in that don't work so well. They keep doing these behaviors to gain a sense of belonging. Problem is that these behaviors are not working, (think Dr. Phil, "How's that been working for you?") but they know no other way of acting or behaving. "Dreikurs identified four behaviors that could be manifested in dozens of ways as children attempt to gain a position of significance in the group: attention seeking (e.g., interrupting), the use of power (e.g., bullying), revenge seeking (e.g., playing nasty practical jokes), and displaying inadequacy (e.g., withdrawing)" (Neukrug, n.d.). Below is a chart explaining the four goals and some ways to respond to your child's misbehavior.

Neukrug. E. (n.d.). Stories of the great therapists.  Old Dominion University. Retrieved September 1, 2010 from http://www.odu.edu/~eneukrug/therapists/Dreikurs.html.

Are you experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome?

Ryan flying to college

Lately, I’ve been working with and meeting several women who are experiencing “empty nest syndrome.” 

Before I go on, I should explain what “empty nest syndrome” is…basically, it is the feeling of loneliness or depression that parents experience when their children are grown and leave home. 

I think what surprises me that although many of us have heard about it through the media- it still takes us by surprise. I guess part of the reason is that we don’t talk about our feelings. Plus, there are so many elements that we are unprepared for and don’t realize these feelings are related to our kids leaving home. When I think about “loneliness and depression,” I immediately see the commercials for anti-depressants- I can easily say, “Well, that’s not me.” The reality is that the feelings that come with “empty nest syndrome” can be subtle. It may start with a feeling of regret or loss. A woman I know shared that it was hard to get out of bed now. She no longer had to get up and make breakfast and scurry the children to school. Now, she only had to take care of herself. I, personally, dealt with a barrage of “what ifs”…“What if I had done this” or “What if I had done it that way instead.” The truth is we are not perfect; we all made mistakes or missed opportunities, so what are we going to do now? We have a whole new second life ahead of us! My husband and I actually moved across the country and started grad school- something we had wanted to do for years. Another person I know decided to pursue her dream of being a master gardener and sharing her talent with others.

Lutjens (1999) shares four points that can help you in this period of your life:

·      Recognize the seasonal nature of parenting. Mothers and fathers should view their children as Renaissance artists, trained in their hometowns to benefit other communities. As a result, parents should start releasing their kids from birth onward.

·      Get a life even before the child leaves home. Involvement in ministry, friendships and hobbies can keep parents from becoming child-centered.

·      Grieve the pain of the empty nest. Single parent or not, it hurts when children leave home. Don't skip the mourning process, or bigger problems might crop up later.

·      Tell children about the pain without making them responsible for it. Say, "I miss you," not, "Look at how you've hurt me."

Here’s a short video that gives some good helpful tips… be warned though it is kinda corny.

Let me know what you are doing now in this second half of your life. Are you pursuing a dream that you always but had put off? 

Lutjens, G. (1999). Empty nest or emptiness. Troubled with: A website of focus on the family. Retrieved August 12, 2010 from http://www.troubledwith.com/Transitions/A000000630.cfm?topic=transitions%3A%20empty%20nest